I used to be a hypochondriac, but now my obsessions are realigning from health to security. Okay, wait, I’m still a hypochondriac, but thanks to the scare tactics of those All-Fear-All-The-Time Republicans, I am now worried about security on top of everything else. In public bathrooms, I will be doing my business, and then I’ll think, “Did I lock the door?” And I’ll look at the door. And it is locked. But maybe it just LOOKS locked. Maybe I’m misinterpreting from its appearance whether it is locked or not. So I will dam everything up inside and waddle over to make sure it is locked, and it is, but I will lock it again, just to make sure, because I don’t want a terrorist to get in while I’m going to the bathroom. Can you imagine? Of course, if it’s one of those automatic sensor toilets it will flush when I move away from it, so when I go back to finish, I know it’s going to have to flush again, and I wonder if the terrorists are out there counting how many flushes they hear. Sometimes this happens multiple times in one session because I will get back to the toilet and think, “Did I just accidentally unlock the door when I thought I was locking it?” In case this was a problem of memory, I made up a song to sing while I lock the door. It’s called “Lock Lock Locking the Bathroom Door” (with apologies to Bob Dylan), and the idea is that if I can remember singing the song, then I have locked the door. Only that doesn’t work because then I have to remember to sing the song on top of everything else, and if I don’t remember singing the song, I have to wonder if it is because I didn’t lock the door or because I locked the door and just didn’t remember to sing the song.
If I don’t sing the song, the terrorists have won.
This happens with my car, as well. And now with my gym locker. And there are a lot of terrorists at the gym, too, so this is a problem.
Maybe this elevated concern means I’m not a liberal anymore. Liberals are well-documented terrorist lovers. If a liberal suspected that a terrorist was lurking around outside the bathroom door, things would end differently.
They might even exchange phone numbers.
* Well, one other sentence is true, too, but I’m not telling you which one.
UPDATE: Wait, I just reread the first phrase, and that’s not really true, either. Suddenly, I’m Fair and Balanced!