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Show Me Your Poultry

The other day as I was leaving my house, a young man approached and asked if I would like to purchase his meat. Out of the back of a truck. “We have all kinds: steaks, chickens, pork, you name it!”

This being an overwhelming proposition, I did the only thing that came to mind and told him I was a vegetarian.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” he gasped, genuinely horrified. Not that he had bothered me but that he might have offended me. I hadn’t realized that being a vegetarian was such a rarefied existence. We had beef stew for dinner tonight, and then Rob made my favorite dessert, chocolate-chip cookie dough without the chocolate chips. I am getting so fat.

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What Do Pants Got to Do Got to Do with It?

Yesterday at work, a creepy guy came in and asked one of my employees if he might leave his bag behind the counter while he went into the bathroom to change his clothes. She said sure.

A few minutes later, he returned to claim his bag. He had not changed his clothes per se, but he had removed his actual pants. “Are you open tomorrow?” he asked, casually standing around in his tighty whities.

“Um, uh huh,” said my employeee.

“OK!” he said brightly and headed out into the brisk afternoon.

I find this disappointing because there were several other men on the premises whom I would have preferred remove their pants, but we are rarely so lucky as we would like to be.

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And Now These Messages

This morning, as I came awake, I saw out the window a little red something fluttering in a tree. Without my glasses, I could not note whether it was an autumnal leaf or a bit of plastic, but it summoned me into the day as it twirled in the breeze.

October is usually one of my favorite months, but this has been a bad one. Bad as in REALLY BAD. I just spent several days working on a tirade that I haven’t posted because it was too sad and angry to bear, and it was absurd to think that I have that much to be sad and angry about when so many billions of people around the world are so much worse off. (Yes, it is one of THOSE Octobers, one that I can face only with a fistful of prescriptions and the horrified realization that I have no choice.)

I don’t know if the little red something was a cheerful reminder that I am alive and well or a flashing alert of things to come, but I got out of bed, reluctantly, to find out.

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Where You Can Sit Down

I am working like a demon today (a particularly industrious demon), trying to get caught up on a bunch of things, but I just had to take a break and reminisce about an experience meaningful in my life.

Remember that time on “Laverne and Shirley” when Laverne accidentally ended up on death row and was about to get sent to the electric chair? And she was really scared but it turned out that all of the women in the adjacent cells just happened to be gospel singers and performed a catchy tune with the theme that, yes, she was about to die, but at least all of her troubles would be over? I think she was proven innocent at the last minute in a scene that could only have happened on “Laverne and Shirley,” and everyone was happy in the end except for Shirley, who had walked off the set in a contract dispute.

So anyway, yeah, I sort of hope it goes like that.

In other news, AAPL is up like a spaceship and the real spaceship isn’t here yet.

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Timing Is Everything

I just realized that Tuesday is also the day that Apple, Inc. is releasing its new line of laptop computers. I hope those aliens have the sense to schedule their soul liberating flyby to the best advantage of this vastly more important event. Apples may grow on trees, but AAPL does not, and I think I've suffered enough in recent weeks.

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My Fellow Prisoners

Well well. Via Belle’s Mouthpiece, I see that loving aliens are supposed to show up in a big spaceship this Tuesday to liberate our souls. Their vehicle will show itself to everyone in the world over a three-day period. I can imagine John McCain’s campaign is seething even more than usual at this information: that’s three whole days that their message of how evil, foreign, terroristic, and antichristlike Barack Obama is will not be dominating the news cycles. Perhaps they will send Sarah Palin, her jaw locked in its folksy rictus, up in a hot air balloon to welcome our new alien overlords. That will scare them away in short order. “I said to those aliens who were offering universal peace and harmony, ‘Thanks, but no thanks!’ Ooh, I really can see Russia from up here!”

So there’s something to look forward to.

How are you? It’s Saturday, and here we are, face to face—a couple of silver spoons. Speaking of which, did you know that cute young Alfonso Ribiero who used to dress up like 1980s Michael Jackson is now chunky old Alfonso Ribiero with a sad program on the Game Show Network. I blame the Republicans for this and more.

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If the Fates Allow

I called 2004 “The Year Everything Changed” because that was the year I moved to Baltimore from New York, married Rob, started working on a new business, bought a house, bought a new car, and experienced any number of ricochets in the normal trajectory of my life. That’s an awful lot for someone who likes to eat the exact same thing every day, but it’s all documented there in the archive links down the right side of this page if you don’t believe me.

The stars may be aligning to make the next twelve months into another transformative year. I wish I could be more specific, but I am not fluent in star. If there is any sort of benevolent deity, one of the changes will be the inauguration of President Obama, which would be the only acceptable backdrop to my personal journey.

I have no roadmap in hand; whenever I try to plan something, it goes so dramatically off track that I might as well be following the MapQuest directions that have me circling my block three times before embarking on the least productive route ever devised from Point A to Point B. Google Earth is neater, don’t you think? No sooner do you tell it where you want to go than you’ve arrived, after a gentle hop and a smooth parabola. There is no weather on Google Earth, no traffic, nothing to get in your way, and the best part is, time is frozen until they get around to taking another satellite photo. Zoom in on my home, and you’ll see the tree my neighbors destroyed still there in all its splendor. Zoom in on my business, and you’ll see it’s still an empty industrial shell awaiting renovation. My old car is still in the parking space of my ex-boyfriend’s house.

These aren’t good things or bad. They’re just things that are observable through the scrim of time. I can tell you things have changed, but are you going to believe me or your lying eyes? You can tell me things are going to change and I can choose to remain focused on the world frozen in the amber lens of Google or devise a few ricochets for the road ahead.