delete

FRIDAY CHUPACABRA BLOGGING

Autumn turns to winter,
And winter turns to spring.
It doesn’t go just for seasons you know,
It goes for everything.

Oh, wise Brady kids, avatars of the cosmos, you summed up the three years of my latest degree so poetically. Autumn turns to winter, turns to spring, turns to summer, turns to late summer, turns to autumn. This is the cycle of creation, the circle of all life, and life is movement. When it’s time to change, it’s time to rearrange—and oh, my little turnips, oh, how I have changed, how I have rearranged.

I chose as my default browser Google Chrome.

Safari, dear Safari, you crashed one too many times. You eliminated the features I cherished. You became ordinary. Once, you were the backbone of my existence, and I love you dearly, but the time has come for tough love and tough choices. Winter is coming. Mayans are in the air, apocalyptic and apoplectic. Whereas I must be nimble to cope with these dangers and the uncertainties that lie beyond them, you held me back. You weighed me down. You wandered off the path.

And so, for now, we part ways. It is better that spend some time apart, a few weeks, a few months. The autumn air will crisp into the bitter winter’s cold of your absence. Separately, we will fight for survival. We will grow tougher. We will struggle to adapt and adapt to struggle. And at night, those desolate nights as the trains howl in the forlorn distance, we will look out into the dark void, dimly lit by the cold pinpricks of Orion the Hunter, and we will think of each other, and we will take strength from our time together, and we will dream of spring.

Support for this blog was provided by the Chupacabra Foundation, creating a better world through sucking one goat at a time. 

delete

Mr. Sandman?

It recently occurred to me that I don’t have enough to worry about in my life, and on top of everything that I do during the day, I should spend the nighttime micromanaging my unconscious, as well. So I downloaded an app that is supposed to facilitate lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is when one realizes that he is dreaming and takes active control of the storyline. I have managed to do this a few times on my own, by accident, but imagine what I could accomplish on purpose. A few nights ago, I dreamed about werecrickets infesting my old elementary school, but these creatures actually resembled grasshoppers, an observation that caused my dream self no end of consternation. But I now have the ability to correct the entomology in my dreams in real time. With great power comes great responsibility.

The lucid dreaming app is an elaborate affair that requires positioning your iPhone under the sheets to monitor your movement with its all-knowing accelerometer. When, through whatever arcane calculation, it suspects you are in REM sleep, it plays a preselected sound bite in hopes your unconscious mind will hear it and understand the significance. I don’t know if it works or not because it does not go off when I’m asleep; it goes off when I am tossing and turning in my regular battles with insomnia. But of course, when I hear it, I am forced to wonder if I am actually just dreaming the insomnia, and I spend several moments trying to change the scenario from my bedroom to a spaceship or a meadow or Matt Damon’s shower stall. The resulting anxiety when nothing happens does not do wonders for my sleepless nights, but I feel I must persist until I achieve a glimmer of success, at which point I will drop it entirely, because why should this be different than anything else I do?

I am very thankful for the technology that allows my neuroses to extend to the full twenty-four hours.

delete

FRIDAY CHUPACABRA BLOGGING, SATURDAY EDITION

It is getting harder and harder to keep up with this Friday chupacabra documentation, as the universe increasingly torments me with existential dilemmas. Is it Friday? Is there a chupacabra available? Blah blah blah. I just want to stay in bed with a bottle of wine and a download of Angry Birds Star Wars. When Matt Damon drops by asking about me, just send him up on up.

Anyway, what a week. The mighty chupobama won the election contest, the religious right lost the cultural contest, and the predictable moderate scolds issued their predictable moderate monishments about predictable moderation. Celebrate, don’t gloat. Let’s all put aside our differences and work together. Now the president is in a much stronger position to ignore everything his supporters believe in, in the name of moderate compromise!

My little parsnips, I must confess, I gloated like a mofo, and so did this chupacabra.* Work with that.

*Pictured above, gloating.

delete

FRIDAY CHUPACABRA BLOGGING, ELECTION EDITION

Friday, Monday, Tuesday. Whatever. I just finished the first two meditations in Deepak Chopra’s twenty-one-day challenge, and the very air abounds in chupacabras.

Deepak Chopra says that if you believe in abundance, all of your needs and desires will be met, a concept illustrated above. Our friend the mighty chupacabra needed a goat (pictured on left, needing goat), and thus the goat was manifest (pictured on right, sucking on manifested goat). You may not know this, but chupacabras have very abundant mindsets. Why, look at those piercing eyes, that portentous squat, those strong talons ready to grasp its rightful destiny, those vigorous fangs prepared to penetrate any prize. Chupacabras do not doubt themselves. They have no shame. They are confident in their abilities and secure in their contribution. They do not hesitate.

When looking for acupuncture clients, the mighty chupacabra will distribute infinite business cards. When running for president, the mighty chupacabra’s sons will purchase every voting machine and install mysterious, unregulated software on the eve of the election. The little voice that worries about being judged, that holds it back from giving one hundred present of itself toward its own advancement, is not present within a chupacabra, or in Deepak Chopra for that matter.

Today is election day. By the time you read this, we may have a brand new overlord-elect . . . or the same old overlord we had yesterday. The Unified Field of Abundance and Chupacabras giveth, and the Unified Field of Abundance and Chupacabras taketh away.