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Happy Horrordays! (Part Five)

Two posts in one day?! Hey, you, don’t get used to this. This one is brought to you by Kraken brand spiced rum. It may be apocryphal to the canon, I’m not sure.

 

O COME ALL YE MUMMIES

O come all ye mummies,
Wrapped in strips of linen,
O come ye, O come ye to terrorize the populace.
Although it’s unclear
What you will do if you catch them.
You don’t have any fangs,
You don’t have any talons,
You don’t have a machine gun,
You are a mummy.

O, hey, here an idea!
Linens make a good noose!
Maybe if you braid some strips toge-e-ether,
You can choke someone
Or give a nasty bru-u-uise
Around a person’s neck.
Oh, really, what the heck
Are you gonna to do
To earn your street cred?

O sad little mummies,
Former glorious pharaohs,
Why this caree-eer change so la-ate in life?
Maybe you won’t go
Into the monster hall of fame,
But you’re still plenty scary,
Or maybe you’re just dusty.
Well, you can give a hankie
When I-I-I-I sneeze!

 

It’s going to be my birthday in a couple of hours, so yeah.

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Happy Horrordays! (Part 4)

Once upon a time, I proclaimed myself the Antichristmas and acted as the scourge of holiday crassness and commercialism masked as cheer. This year, I have been too lazy and preoccupied. But oh, my little candy canes, did I knock myself out for you this morning! I present here, for the first time in ages, a new monster carol. You can find my previous efforts, parts one through three, here.

And now, with no further ado . . .

 

DO YOU FEAR WHAT I FEAR? 

Said the night wind to the little goat
Do you smell what I smell? (Do you smell what I smell?)
Wafting through the air, little goat?
Do you smell what I smell? (Do you smell what I smell?)
A stench, a stench,
A permeating smell
That tells me all is not well
Yes, it tells me all is not well!

Said the little goat to his little friends
Do you fear what I fear? (Do you fear what I fear?)
On this cold, dark night, little friends?
Do you fear what I fear? (Do you fear what I fear?)
A fearsome beast
Devourer of goats
And we all should protect our throats
Yes, everyone, cover your throats!

Said the chupacabra to the frightened herd
Do you taste what I taste? (Do you taste what I taste?)
Coursing through your veins, little goats?
Do you taste what I taste? (Do you taste what I taste?)
It’s blood! Sweet blood!
My favorite delicacy!
I shall suck it from you into me
Yes, I’ll suck it all into me!

Said the crime scene detectives the next day
Do you see what I see? (Do you see what I see?)
Spread across this desolate field? 
Do you see what I see? (Do you see what I see?)
Entrails! Corpses! 
And we haven’t any leads
It must have been a coyote
Yes, it must have been a coyote!

 

And now, a special bonus chupacabra, enjoying the season (with a link to where you can purchase this heirloom-quality ornament):

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Harpy Diem

This morning, upon awakening, I posted some self-directed inspirational messages on Facebook of the do-it-now!, get-things-done!, get-off-your-lazy-ass! variety. I am going to seize this day, I told myself. I am going to jump out of bed, drink a glass of water, accomplish three important things, and start a gratitude journal. I am as grateful as fuck, and it’s time a journal knew about it. 

Then I sort of lurched out of bed, went to lunch at a brewery, developed a headache, and took a nap for the rest of the afternoon.

I am so totally going to seize tomorrow if I feel like it.