Hello. I hope you can hear me over the deafening clamor for my return. Hello. Hello. That ticker-tape parade might be a bit much, but thank you. Where do you even get ticker tape in this day and age? I applaud this initiative, but it was unnecessary. You could have just thrown iPads, which are readily available, and when I say “thrown iPads,” I mean, “placed the unopened iPad boxes gently in the back of my car.”


So, look, I am not only writing this because it was on my to-do list. It was on my to-do list plenty of times in the past few weeks and did not get to-done. Daffodil season came and went without any insightful comments from yours truly. I have plenty of ideas on the subject of marathons and quasi-domestic terror.

I am writing now because I missed you.

And I could also use a new iPad.