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You may be surprised to learn that I have secret information about where the terrorists are. Oh yes, we are led to believe that they are all cackling in Iraqi spider holes,* but I know the real scoop. Those wily devils have infiltrated the good old U S of A and are doing their darnedest to make life difficult for us red-blooded, god-fearing Murricans.**

They are designing applications for New York co-ops.***

The past week has been a nightmare of paperwork, forms, letters, bank drafts, phone calls, faxes, and FedExes as Rob and I have prepared documentation every penny that has ever passed through our hands. I even had to send a photograph of my childhood piggy bank. I kid you not.

The worst part is not the comprehensive intrusiveness, which was expected, but the sheer impenetrability of the forms, which were so badly put together that at times I quite literally couldn’t figure out what information I was being asked for. Top it all off with my nontraditional income and financial status, and it’s been a real hoot to try to present myself in the best manner possible, let me tell you.

The end result of all of this will be a beautiful little co-op studio on the Upper East Side for Rob and I to enjoy while when we’re in New York. That is, if we’re deemed acceptable. We must be perfect! Perfect, I say! If the board gets a whiff of the fact that Rob always leaves the cabinet doors open, that will be all she wrote.

* We have always been at war with Eastasia.

** They tend to leave the green-blooded ones alone. No one knows why.

*** Just kidding, co-op board that’s evaluating my application and found me through Google! Ha ha.

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