The Banging on Hearts and Fingers

My fellow Hippopotami:

I stand before you, all squinty-eyed and resolute, to discuss a new danger in the world. Our happy land has been infiltrated by potty-mouthed Faggoty-Ass Faggotistanian terrorists. Our cherished cultural icons have been maligned, and our way of life threatened.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce that the Upside-down Hippopotamus Congress has declared BLOG WAR on Faggoty-Ass Faggotistan and its devilish (and devilishly handsome) leader, Mullah Brian. Even as I speak, fierce battalions of Boston terriers, squirrels, nighttime squirrels, and chupacabrae have formed a Coalition of the Chillin’ and are amassing on the borders of that wicked and hateful blog. Reports of a crudely Photoshopped giant gerbil attacking our cities are being investigated.

In this time of war, it is essential that all Hippopotami remain sedated and glued to their television sets. “Just Shoot Me” is on in a moment, and after that, if you’re lucky, your TiVo may snag an episode of “Murphy Brown.” At no time must you stop sneaking chocolate-chip cookies or Internet porn, or else the terrorists will have won.
May god bless the Upside-down Hippopotamus. We now return you to “Just Shoot Me,” already in progress. You haven’t missed much . . . Nina’s friend Binny has just locked herself in a medicine cabinet, and Finch is dealing with the implications of inappropriately grabbing Maya’s ass.

That is all.

UPDATE: You are either with me or pressed against me.

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