The Morning Is Light and Full of Terrors

It is not even noon, and already my daily quota of horrors has been filled. The first thing that happened was that I got up at eight a.m. to clean the dog poop out of the back yard. I realize that that sentence already contains the seeds of madness, but things escalate quickly around these here parts. I went into the basement to get a trash bag and heard heavy footsteps walking across the floor just over my head, which continued for several moments but stopped when I got halfway back up the stairs. It never occurred to me that this was anything but a terrifying ghost, as Kate was out of the house and my husband does not exactly arise with the roosters and in fact also misses the crows, pigeons, robins, orioles, hummingbirds, vultures, potato birds, and other feathered friends, most closely aligning his circadian rhythm to some particularly slugabeddish cockatiels in a distant timezone.

So, anyway, there was no one there.

I wrote recently of my plans to delight my potential heirs by causing them to spend the night in a haunted house and perform other feats of endurance to determine who is worthy of inheriting my worldly goods, which (I did not mention at the time) consist largely of Boston terrier memorabilia and oddly placed books that I killed bugs with in the distant past and have been afraid to move since. I suppose the haunted house part is settled.

Later, post cleanup, I was checking email and noticed one from the MVA. Guess what! It is time to renew my driver’s license. And guess what! “Because you are 40 years of age or older, you are required by state law to have vision screening before you renew.” Well, the joke is on them because I am not a day over 29 and haven’t been able to see anything for years.

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