Earlier this week, at the insistence of my dear friend Faustus, I attended a class at my gym called Total Body Conditioning. “Total Body Conditioning” is one of those labels like “Compassionate Conservatism” that sound soothing and positive but are in actuality evil lies. I was dismayed to learn, for example, once the class began, that we would not be lying around for an hour coated from head to toe in buttery Herbal Essence hair conditioner. Oh no. We would actually be contorting our heads and toes and everything in between into gut-wrenching positions, to which either weights or grueling body movement were mercilessly added. The entire experience was capped by the instructor, the most genetically perfect female I have ever encountered, who supplemented our exertions with a running commentary on inane “Charlie’s Angels” plots.

I did survive the hour, if you call transformation into a sweaty heap of overcooked pasta survival, but my prognosis is grim. Yesterday, I made an emergency acupuncture appointment to soothe the dagger-sharp pains that developed on my shoulder and above both of my elbows. Roberta the acupuncturist addressed those concerns but referred me to her colleague, a podiatrist, to deal with the pain I’ve been having for several days in my ankles and feet. The podiatrist had two surprises up his sleeve. The first was that—surprise!—he was the cutest damn podiatrist I have ever seen. I mean, who would have guessed? The second was that—surprise!—I have tendonitis in my feet. And if I might extrapolate from his diagnosis, given my intense pain and the fact that I can’t bend or lift my arms, I seem to have tendonitis everywhere.

My poor, tender tendons.

You know, as an American, I am tired of being lied to. Let’s call things what they are. Compassionate Conservatism is not remotely compassionate, and not even conservative, if we’re going by the classical definition of the word. Let’s call it “Greedy Malevolence.” And as for “Total Body Conditioning” . . . I’m thinking “Acceleration of Personal Entropy” is infinitely more accurate. If it fits on the poster.