When Bush is in the lead, the headlines say he “opened it up,” as if the percentage points came in a gaily wrapped box with a bow on top. When Kerry is in the lead, the headlines say he “snatched” it, as if he were the Hamburglar.

Today, I went to the doctor and opened up the results of my physical, which indicate that I’m I perfect health. Then I went to the café and snatched a chocolate-chip cookie.

Today, I went to the doctor and snatched the results of my physical, which indicate that I’m in perfect health. Then I went to the café and opened up a chocolate-chip cookie.

Today, I went to the doctor; he opened up my pants and snatched my testicles (not off, just out). Then I went downstairs to the café, ordered a chocolate-chip cookie, and saw him sitting at a table, pretending not to notice me.

Did you ever notice that George Bush laughs like a serial killer at his own jokes, not one of which strikes anyone with a fully functional brain as remotely humorous? Did you get a load of his facial expression in the last debate, a furious smile, a desperate growl, that never touched his eyes? I've walked three thousand two hundred eighty-six steps today. That is one point two miles in my shoes, which are starting to squeak a bit.