I think it depends on the children. I was a camp counselor for five years in my youth (5 and 6 year olds) and there were some kids that I wanted to kidnap and raise as my own because they were so sweet, and others that I wanted to dismember and bury behind the tool shed.

I'm betting that you're her FAVORITE in-law! Am I right? ;)

In my experience, children are most appreciate from afar.

I bet you would feel different if you had some of your own, not that I would know. But I think everyone is not as fond of children that aren't there own.

They make child leashes, so why not muzzles? Little Hannibal Lecter masks with ducks or something on them. OMG no stealing my idea. I will be rich!

If he can fart, pick his nose and spit at the same time, I'm sure he will be a famous reality tv star someday.

Better jump on those coattails now.

As a very childish person, I'm outraged by this post.

David, didn't you also inform that same sister-in-law that her daughter was going to grow up to be a prostitute...?

david: how wrong you are! Children are delightful so long as they are not overcooked and the mayonnaise you serve alongside is home-made

I was at a cookout the other day and greeted my friend's two-year-old daughter by saying jokingly, "Hi, Stinky!" (much to K's dismay). I thought I was playing it safe. I mean, don't all kids kinda smell a little?

David: It only depends on the children to the extent that some are smart enough to bamboozle you into believing they are fit for civilization.

Hanuman: I might be. You should see the rest of them.

Flesh von Wintoor: Yeah, a distance measureed in astronomical units.

Ruggerjohnnyd: Goblin is more than enough, thank you.

Licketysplit: I am so stealing your idea. At least, you may want to test your prototypes on my nephews.

Crash: Oh come on now. Reality TV stars can barely do one of those at a time, much less three. I'm grooming him for President, where those skills will be honed and utilized daily.

Hot Toddy: You'd better write a letter to the editor and start a boycott.

Cate: Um, yes. Well, no. I mean, I merely suggested it was an OPTION. Good lord, with the way the Republicans are sending all of the good jobs overseas, prostitution is probably the only growth industry we have left.

Campbell: Good lord, I have never heard of anything so vile. Mayonnaise is disgusting!

Jen: "Stinky" was probably the height of kindness in that situation.

I hope this gets to David, I loved your story on Black Aggie. I work at Druid Ridge as a counselor and Black Aggie is our most famous "person" as well as the most asked about "person". You story was complete. Can I have your permission to print and pass on to people asking about her?

Thanks, Betty

Someone once told me that humans below the age of seven behave exactly as humans above the age of seven with horrible, crippling schizophrenia.

In other words, all children under seven are functionally insane. Which is why they're so time-consuming.

Just a thought.

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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

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Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

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Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

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When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

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It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

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Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

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You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

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Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

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Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

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To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

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I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

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Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

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Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

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All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

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I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Why don't you write books people can read?

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The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

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Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

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I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

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There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

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